I don't usually post about the days when I feel down. Today is one of those days when I just need a good cry to get all the emotions out so I can move on and just be happy. I just had a conversation with my mom on Sunday about how happy I am with my life and I really am, today is just one of those days. I know that everyone is entitled to having an emotional day and today is mine. My heart is breaking and aching at the same time. My arms feel empty even though I have a beautiful little boy sitting right next to me. My motivation to get up and clean, shower, and take care of my little guy is just not there. I even went for a run this morning which usually helps me feel better.
The good news is that over the years the good days are out numbering the bad ones. I seem to have fewer bad days and with all the stress of raising a 2 year old (Ryker not eating & throwing fits) I joke that I don't think I can handle any more kids. There are so many little lies that I tell myself on days when I ache to have another baby. Lies like how I am struggling with just Ryker, that going through the hormones & infertility stuff is not worth the strain on my marriage or my waist line, and that if we don't have any more kids I will be fine.
Whatever gets me through the day, I just need to go get in the shower, that is where I will start. I already feel better just having written that all down.
Thanks to all my friends & family members who let me hold their babies, it really does help fill my void.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
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6 comments:
Sharee I am sorry you are having a hard day. It does help to write it all down! I love your new family pictures! I hope your day gets better!
I'm glad you vented:) You shared your honest feelings and we can better rally around you! I love you tons, sweet lady. Hang in there. Here's my favorite 'afflictions' quote: "Our crosses are easier to carry if we keep moving."
~Neal A. Maxwell
Sharee your struggle has been so much more difficult then mine and I remember those aches and pains and heart breaks. It is all to fresh in my mind. It is almost too much at times and I have so much ache in my heart for you and your problems with infertility. you are an incredible Mom and I want to scream at the universe for you that it is not fair your house isn't filled up with kids. Know that I am thinking of you and I hope that through this struggle you let yourself know it is okay to have those bad days (or weeks, or months) and cry and ache and plea to Heavenly Father that it's not fair. We all know that doesn't mean your aren't grateful for the great life that you do have.
I know that deep down you already know that things will work out. Sometimes it's really hard to get there on a daily basis though. And more than that, it's hard to imagine that anyone else is hurting. I think expressing something beyond the picture perfect family is brave and honest. It definitely helps me. And you can come hold my baby any day of the week. (even at 3 am?)
I think we all have those days that we have a hard time cleaning or feeling like the best mom for our own reasons. I am sorry this is your struggle and just know that I am thinking about you. Take your good days with the bad and keep chugging along. Hang in there!
Writing it out helps alot. My blog is pretty much my therapy. I can explain things in writing so much more than saying them.
I hate the bad days but sure do love the good days!!
You are a great little mommy!! Wish we lived closer so we could get together! Call me when you are in town sometime though, I would love to have lunch!
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